Bedroom Battles

This next question, or I suppose dilemma even, comes from my sister who has an 8 year old and a 6 year old.  They share a bedroom upstairs, and most of their toys are there as well.  After several half attempts at cleaning their room, my sister will go up and see the job done sloppily and half way. She is wondering what to do to get them to clean their room right the first time and get the job done when asked.  This is almost one of the biggest battles we have with our kids.  Getting them to do the right things at the right time is the real meaning of "Discipline".  When we teach our children the correct behaviors, we are disciplining them.  The word Discipline actually means, "To Teach".  So, look at it like this.  We want to teach (discipline) our children to clean their room right the first time and to do it when we ask them to, without having to ask, repeat, or yell 50 times.  So, I suggest first, which I am sure she has already done (only because we grew up with same mother), to take the girls to their room after they have given you this sloppy performance.  Pull everything out of their drawers, from under their bed, out of the toy closet, everything! and put it all in the middle of the room.  Then, help them put everything back in its right place in the right way, by telling them and maybe even showing them how you expect it.  Once everything is in its place and the room is clean, here is your dialogue.  "Now, you have been shown the expectation.  You know what is expected of you and how I want to see your room cleaned from this point on.  We will make a list of rewards for every time you clean your room right the first time.  If you clean it sloppy or half way, I will be pulling everything out, even if it is something that wasn't messy, and putting it all in the middle of the floor and you will be doing it all over again. You will be losing valuable play time and will be sad.  You will not leave your room, for food or anything else, until you have finished the job."
As far as getting them to clean their room the first time you ask them to, here are some ideas.
1. Give them a set time of the day that they need to have it done.  Maybe they do it every night before going to bed, or every morning before going to school.  But, it always helps kids to have it be part of their routine.
2. Set up the jar system.  Tell them that for every time they clean their room, whether because of their routine or because you asked them to, you will place a type of candy in a jar.  When the jar is full, the family celebrates by eating the candy, or by going on some family outing. However, when they do not clean their room by the expected time, you take one out of the jar.  Make the reward super fun and exciting.  Allow them to be a part of the decision-making process on the reward, and it will be more meaningful to them.
Bottom line, we want our children to learn that a job worth doing is a job worth doing right.  We want them to do it right the first time and do it when they are asked to.  Can you imagine going to a job and being given an assignment and telling your boss, "In a minute."?  No, and we don't want lazy kids!

My first question!!  Yeay.  So, this comes from my cousin that I grew up with, more of a sister, and here is her question.  I am sure NONE of us have had this problem come up.  RIIGGHHTT!

Got any idea's on how to get your child to try new foods that they're sure they don't like because it's not "kid food"?

Well, I am a huge chart girl.  I love to give kids some kind of visual that they can see and experience in a way that will allow them to have a bit of control over the situation, because, really, that is their pay off.  So, I suggest sitting down with her first and saying something like this. "Sweet heart, I know you don't like trying different kinds of food.  I understand that is a big thing for you.  How about we compromise.  My idea is that you make a chart with five squares for each week of the month.  Sometime, anytime, in that one week, you need to try eating 5 different things you would not usually try.  And, a fair attempt is at least 5 bites.  If after those 5 bites, you decide that you don't like it and don't want to finish it, I am fine with that.  At that point, you can put a sticker (or stamp or color in) one of the squares.  Both you and I will be happy.  But, if you do not give it a fair try, you will not get the sticker and you will recieve a consequence (that you all agree upon, a written list of consequences  would be handy) and then no one will be happy.   If at the end of the week, you have filled up all 5 squares, you can choose from our list of rewards (once again, all agreed upon and written out.)  And likewise, if at the end of the week you do not have all 5 squares filled out, we will be looking on our consequence list and choosing one of those."  

Now, when making your list of rewards and consequences, be sure that every single one on the list is one that you can accomodate and are willing to follow through with.  Don't make it so grand like Disneyland; gum, 5 extra minutes doing something they like, date with daddy, those kinds of things will do just fine.  And consequences do need to be something that will be meaningful to them; something that they won't look at and say, "oh, I can live with that."  And, as always--good luck and let me know what happens. 

Love always, Miss Retta

The Beginning

Everyone has to start somewhere. I am starting my first attempt at blogging with something very near and dear to my heart; parenting. My sisters are the main source of thanks for this attempt. Years of not having children of my own made for patient understanding on their part; allowing me to co-parent in the sense of adding way too much of my own advice to what they were doing and how they should be doing it. Funny, now that I have 3 very small children of my own, I can't remember a single thing I said and if it even helped them. But, they have reminded me several times during my chaos and turns of temper tantrums that I do have good ideas.

Once, while waiting for my own children to come, my sister Jessi asked how I should handle a certain situation she was having with her first toddler. I told her that I would only share my advice if she promised me that when it was my turn, I could call her and she would tell me what I said. The problem is, when we are parenting our own children, we are in the box with them, with that moment, with that problem. We have a hard time seeing the situation for what it really is; maybe it has to do with tired kids, maybe it's that we are expecting too much or too little, and maybe it's that we aren't thinking about the age and developmental appropriateness of it all. Whatever the reason, we are blind. Sometimes it takes an outside, non-biased person to see the picture for what it really is. Then, we can see clearly the situation and take the appropriate actions.

Well, that is why I am here. For whatever reason, and due to my education, my work experience, and now my own "Field" experience, I want to be that outside advice-giver. I love it when my sisters call me and say, "So and so had this happen today in school, what should I do?" Or "I just hate this new thing he is doing, how can I change the behavior?" Instinctively, I give them my advice, which is just that--advice. And they go to and give it a try. So, I am calling out to all you parents out there that are just like me and living in survival moment, day to day, sometimes hour to hour. What are your questions, concerns? What are the behaviors that you can't stand and need help changing? I will pick one question a day to post for you and will answer with the best advice my mind, my education, and my resources have. The goal: to be "The Pick of the Day". You want me to pick your question; because I do have some great ideas for you.

email your questions to: flammerl@yahoo.com